Sunday, August 9, 2015

Good-bye Summer! No, really. Vamoose!

I just realized that school starts in a mere two weeks--can I get an "Amen?" I love my children, you understand, but that love is ever so much less complicated when they are somebody else's problem for eight hours a day. Yup. Less complicated and a whole lot less yell-y. During the school year my house is messy because we are so very busy, which is understandable. In summer my house is messy because my five offspring apparently believe my second job is to wait on them as a handmaiden does the Queen of England. Nightly I screech, "What happened to this house?!!!" only to have each child lazily survey the devastation and offer only the blandest look of indifference. One morning as I was heading out to actual, gainful employment, I asked Little Man to complete a job that would have taken five minutes, ten minutes, tops. In complete seriousness he threw down his toast and exclaimed, "Great! My whole day, ruined!"

This is what I am working with, people. 

I could probably handle it all more gracefully, if I weren't already handicapped by the season. This year's admirably cooler temperatures notwithstanding, summer remains my least favorite time of year. In the first place, I am ill-suited for any of the frolicking summer-time activities others seem to enjoy so much. I have no interest in swimming, or tanning or gardening. Organized sports bore me to the point of violence. And biking? We all know how I feel about biking

This year, during a trip up north, my sister took me and my kids inner-tubing for the first time. A genius move, I thought. Tubing would seem to side step any normal pitfalls of summertime activities: no coordinated effort required, no rules to follow, sanctioned alcoholic libations as evidenced by the offer of a special inner-tube for your beverage cooler...You would have thought I would be a natural. Unfortunately, I seem to lack even the barest coordination required for lying passively in an inflated circle of plastic. Thus "tubing down lazy river" sometimes looked an awful lot like "careening violently into half-submerged and spider infested tree branch" and later like, "nursing a sunburn on par with an industrial accident." God bless my sister for her patience. She is a competent, vigorous sort and no doubt wonders how she ended up having a pale and tubercular Victorian shut-in as a sister. If we were literary characters, she would be Heidi, all apple-cheeked and glowing good health and I would be Clara, clutching my afghan as I recline, wanly, on the divan. 

If it can even be deemed possible, my eldest daughter is even worst than I -- which brings me to another reason summer needs to end. Miss Teen Wonder is home from college, and I swear to God, no parent should ever have to live with their child at this age. At least, not mine. She is currently sleeping in the basement and my whole and entire focus on days she does not work is to get her to come up to surface level. I'm not certain if I'm raising a daughter or a mole. When I do manage to drag her up into the the sunlight, she stumbles around like a hungover starlet at the Chateau Marmont, demanding someone fetch her sunglasses and a sparkling water. 

I feel responsible, like maybe my own, oft repeated distain for summer has seeped into her brain and squashed any healthy impulse she might have to scamper off and enjoy the sun-soaked weather. At this point it's probably too late for her. She's spent too many years watching her mother spend entire summer afternoons downstairs, in the dark, stretched out directly under the air conditioning vent watching The X-Files re-runs. "Do as I say, not as I do" is a sketchy argument at best and my expression of bliss and total contentment on these stolen afternoons pretty much destroyed any bit of credibility I might have had on subjects related to fresh air and sunshine. 

Clearly, if I am going to save the rest of the kids from a similar fate, I have to be an example of someone who, ugh, enjoys summer. I think I'm going to give tubing another try; it’s clearly my best chance for developing some sort of outdoor interest. Next time I'm going to accept the offer of a beverage tube, though. It'll give me something to do while I wait to be freed from the tree branch.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Take My Bike, Please!

One of my very least favorite activities is biking. Which is weird. You’d think it would be right in my wheelhouse (ha!)— Environmentally friendly, the fresh air, the kick-ass feeling of arriving at your destination under your own power…and also? Cute baskets! They are like purses, for your bike! And let’s not forget, despite being shrouded in snow twenty-seven months of the year, Minneapolis is the number one biking city in America. (Suck it, Portland!) We have absolutely lovely trails and paths dedicated to bikers, one of which runs from the end of my street directly to my place of employment. So I keep trying to like it. But I don't. I hate it. I'm the person who is forever two-seconds away from running into a parked car because I'm cranked around in my seat, checking the back wheel which I'm certain is flat because -Sweet mother of God!- why is this so hard?!! I tell you what, last Sunday I ran 12 miles and I would rather do that any day of the week than bike the thirty minutes to work. 

Take this morning, for example; it was a coolish summer day. Not too hot, not too windy, perfect for biking. I packed up my work clothes and my lunch and my coffee in a backpack and set off. I got all of ten feet before I realize that, yes, the back tire was in fact flat. So I threw up the kickstand, put my backpack in the basket and went to get a bike pump. Of course my hateful bike tipped over, dislodging the lid on my coffee cup and flooding the bag with all that sweet, sweet coffee. This necessitated a panicked repacking of all my work necessities. I pumped up the tire and set off. On the way a large-ish bump sent my mason-jar-packed lunch flying. Smash! My beautiful summer salad all over the street. At this point I have no coffee, no lunch and it's too damn late to go back and get the car. Also, my bike’s particular geometry is such that it's prone to picking up large rocks, sticks, and branches. Today it picked up a rock and shot it so forcibly out the chain guard that the rim was dented in the exact correct position so that every time I rotated the pedal it hit the guard and sounded exactly like a bell gong. Every. Single. Time. That wasn't annoying at all.

I arrived at work hot, sweating profusely, and with a caffeine headache hovering around my right eye. I pounded the counter with my fist. "Why do I continue to do this to myself?!” I demanded of my coworkers who looked at me as if I had blown a gasket. And they were right. I spent the entire ride home sullenly glaring at the other bikers and preparing this list:

Reasons why Biking is the worst.

1) The sitting. As a runner I feel a deep distrust of any exercise that happens in a chair.  I know, I know…that sounds so insufferably superior, especially since a casual ride to work makes me feel like my heart might explode. (The whole damn ride must be uphill, there is no other explanation.) So let me just amend it to say that if I was going to exercise sitting down, it wouldn’t be on a seat engineered to replicate the most painful wedgie I ever experienced. Get with the program, bike seat scientists!
2) The gear.  I am absolutely gobsmacked every time I putter down the bike path on my creaky old bike and see people going no faster than I in $80 jerseys and aerodynamic helmets. Really? REALLY?!  Why do 8 out of 10 amateur bikers feel the need to outfit themselves as if they are about to join the Tour De France? (This is completely different from all my running paraphernalia. I NEED all that stuff. Need it, I say!)
3) People who shout "On your left!” As they pass. This is not a courtesy. This is the surest way to send me careening into the retaining wall at the side of the bike path. I get it, okay? You’re faster than me. Your grandmother’s faster than me. That kid on the Big wheel? Faster. Now shut up and let me hate this ride in peace.  
4) Biking hand signals. Sir. That thing you are doing with your arm? I have no idea what that is.
5) Bikers Who do not follow the rules of the road. Dude. When you blew past me, through the red light, you scared me half to death and I'm on a bike. When you shoot past me and I'm in the car? Well, it makes me want to call your mother. You are biking with the same laissez-faire attitude toward your safety as my youngest son and the last time I caught him biking like that, I grounded him for a week. 
6) And take off your headphones while you’re at it! You are going to get yourself killed, I swear to god. 
        7) Those god-awful helmets. Dear lord, the ugliest hats I ever saw. Whenever my kids (rightfully) call me a hypocrite for insisting that they wear helmets while I have never even owned one, I tell them that when they are grown-up they can make all the foolish decisions they want. Besides, if they were really as concerned with my safety as I am with my hair, they would have already bought me this.

Despite the grumpiness virtually dripping off this post, I'm going to continue biking. It's good for me, dang it, it lowers my environmental footprint and there is no reason for me to be so unreasonably crabby about the whole thing. Eventually I'm going to have to warm to it... or at the very least, I couldn't like it any less, so what do I have to lose?

Thursday, April 16, 2015

The Sunshine Rules

       It's come to my attention, embarrassingly late in the game, that I am living with a real-life spiritual master. Forget running off to India, to study, cross-legged, at the feet of a maddeningly serene yogi. No need to attend a silent retreat run by a wise and beatific elderly nun. Here, in my home, I have discovered a soul who seems to have unlocked the secrets to eternal happiness and oddly enough, this soul resides in the body of a thirteen year old girl. 

It must be the inner turmoil brought on by the past few years that finally opened my eyes to what was right in front of me. Closing my business, ushering Miss Teen Wonder off to college, losing my much loved Grandmother, the looming realization that -to paraphrase Meg Ryan- I'm going to be fifty... someday; all these have left me, wandering in an internal funk, constantly asking the question, "What the hell am I doing with my life anyway?" And there, dancing, most often literally, around the periphery was my daughter. Let's call her "Sunshine." 

Sunshine is half of the amazing duo-- the twin girls-- in the middle of our family. She is tiny, but sturdy, with a laugh that seems far too big for the bitty body she inhabits. She has a thousand watt smile and hair as big as her heart. She is up for anything, always. When I grow up, I want to be just like her.

Born this way.

I'm not sure how she has managed to amass such an affinity for happiness and contentment at such a young age. She is, as I mentioned, a twin. Perhaps rather than splitting the DNA down the middle, each girl received total possession of a few gifts. Her sister is fiercely competitive (a trait Sunshine has not a trace of) and if she stopped rolling her eyes at me for even a second, I suspect the resulting lack of equilibrium would cause her head to wobble right off the stalk, so perhaps there is something to this theory. Or maybe it is because her mind is unencumbered with tedious minutia... for example, the practical application of volume. That, perhaps, when one is trying to put a sizable amount of left-over soup into the refrigerator, one might choose to use, say, a large container, rather than roughly twenty-seven half-pint mason jars. When I open the refrigerator doors and spy a sea of tiny glass bottles, all containing the same, exact substance I feel as if my brain might explode. It doesn't bother Sunshine one whit. She'll cheerfully rummage through the lot, looking for the mustard or the last bit of salami, happy as a clam. I don't think she has an idea that there is any other way to be in the world. And that is my new directive as her mother-- to make sure that she never does.        

My other goal is to study her like a lab rat. To learn what she so effortlessly knows. Here is what I've sussed out so far: 

The Sunshine Rules

1) Happiness isn't (or shouldn't be) dependent on your circumstances. The fact that you are awake and breathing is cause enough to break into song. Sunshine wakes up happy. Is she headed to school? To run errands with her dad? Spending the day cleaning her room? It's all good. Happiness for me is much more conditional. The answers to the questions "What do I have to do today?" "Do these jeans still fit?" or "Are we out of coffee?" affect me far more than they should.  

2) Music is magic. Sunshine is never NOT singing, hence she moves through the house, not with the determined head-down, goose-stepping march of her mother (I've got things to DO, people!) but with a perpetual shimmy. If you are accompanied by your own soundtrack every waking moment is a dance party. Plenty of spiritual traditions give credence to the uplifting power of certain audio vibrations-- I just didn't imagine that the Demi Lovato songbook was, in fact, a hymnal of sorts.  

3) Be a cheerleader. Now this is something Sunshine and her sister share. They are unflaggingly, unceasingly, unerringly supportive. They are never --listen to me, now-- never, not ever, jealous. If something good happens to the folks around them, they are as happy as if it was happening to themselves. Check out Sunshine's Facebook page. If you post any good news, any at all, "My baby just turned one!" or "Loved this movie!" or "Delicious lunch with friends." Sunshine will not just "like" your post, you are getting a string of emojis, the likes of which you have never before seen. Who doesn't feel on top of the world when she responds to your new profile pic with, "You are GORGEOUS!!!!!! (kissy face, kissy face, heart, heart, winking cat,  heart, high five, cat high five, thumbs up)" It is my favorite thing in the world, and one I have already started using, my own self. The fact that you do not have such enthusiastic cheerleaders in your life, well, I just feel plain sorry for you. 

I don't know if any of this is helpful to you, but I feel as if my own life gets dramatically better when I remember to follow The Sunshine Rules. I've read literally hundreds of books dedicated to unlocking the secret of a happy and contented life and none of them have been as effective as Sunshine's effortless wisdom; Be happy where you are, sing a little song and encourage the people around you. Enlightenment in three, easy steps. Use them if you'd like-- we'll be here, cheering you on.


Thursday, March 12, 2015

SUV:1 Hubby:0

        Let me start this off by saying, first of all, that Hubby is fine. However, last night I was greeted at the door by several wide-eyed children, gesturing silently, but furiously, at their father. Apparently, they had not quite recovered from the sight of him being escorted out of a squad car, because he had been struck by a SUV while riding his bike after work and needed assistance to get home. 

He, despite being battered and unable to bear any sort of weight on his wrist, is adamant that he is a-okay. He didn't even take today off work. Idiot. I'd be off for a week,   reclining dramatically on the couch, you know, next to the front window where the light is most flattering. "No, no.... don't worry about me," I'd be saying, before requesting that, if it wasn't too much trouble, could someone pretty please bring home some chocolate peanut butter ice cream and also, be a dear and fetch me a blanket before you go. And this month's issue of Vogue, please and thank you. 

Actually, that's a lie, since I never would have been hit at all. This whole episode underscores how differently Hubby and I maneuver through the world. Hubby was 100% in the right with this accident. He was hit where our local bike boulevard crosses a busy street. He was in the crosswalk, you know, the one with the overhead flashing lights and a sign that says "State Law: Yield to Pedestrians and Cyclists." Needless to say, the  driver did not. Yield, that is. Hubby was stuck hard enough to make me rethink my devil-may-care, no helmet wearing ways. (I KNOW, okay? But I'm nerdy enough on my own, thank you, and many days this hair is all I have going for me.) But herein lies the difference: Hubby is not angry he was hit, exactly, but he is FURIOUS that his right-of-way was not respected. I would never have entered the crosswalk in the first place. Not if there was a car within half a mile of the thing. Assume that the car will stop for a bike? Of it's own volition? No, WAY, buddy. I'm not putting one pedal in that crosswalk. Not if I had the right-of-way and was pulling a cart of air raid sirens and floodlights. 

This is super typical of us. Hubby moves through the world in an unencumbered manner. He pretty much assumes things are going to unfold as they should, which allows him a cheerful confidence about the whole thing. He is absolutely flabbergasted if they do not. I, on the other hand, am much more vigilant about the whole thing. It's not that I think things WILL go wrong, I just know that they might. Like, we're both enjoying the movie, but one of us has made damn sure she knows where the emergency exits are. It requires a certain amount of energy, yes, and perhaps speaks to a lack of trust in the Universe in general, but then again, only one of us got hit by a car. So there's that. 

Luckily, this isn’t the kind of difference that causes any sort of rift between us. I tend not to notice it, except for those times when I have to ask him to please stop trying to murder our children each time we cross the major street a few blocks over. (Again with the right-of-way! Cars do not necessarily stop for pedestrians! Not even though it’s, technically, the law. Please cease filling the children’s heads with such nonsense!) On the contrary, I suspect that we are good for each other. Sometimes, I just need a break from formulating contingency plans and “what ifs.” At those times, it’s nice to decide to relax a bit and trust that, well, if Hubby isn’t worried about it, neither am I.  For my part, I like to think that I’ve saved his life on several occasions. My staunch refusal to budge from the curb when within eyeshot of a motor vehicle may annoy the crap out of the man, but he’s never been run down on my watch!

In the end, I’m so dang happy to be able to write that the only casualty last night was his bike. He’ll be back riding to work as soon as we get a replacement and his wrist heals. Please watch out for him while you're driving. He does have the right-of-way, you know.

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Don't Argue with the Fortune Cookie.

I'm suffering a complete crisis of confidence today. I'm wrestling with the type of writer's block that doesn't just make writing difficult, it makes you question the justification for your very existence. An hour and a half in and I was pretty much beating my head on the table because nothing I wrote was any good. (Bam!) In fact, nothing I have ever written has been any good. (Bam!) I have absolutely nothing interesting or important to say, and NEVER HAVE!! (Bam! BAM!)

I do not know how other folks deal with these feelings. I tried a tactic that has worked for me in the past; Chinese food and diet coke. Indulgent and, at the very least, I thought I could count on the MSG/artificial sweetener double whammy to calm me down, hopefully to the point of requiring a nap. But, nope. Sometimes the anxiety is just too much to overcome. At least the caffeine allowed me to focus....

...Focus on my stupid husband who's clearly to blame for my current, emotional distress. God! If it weren't for him and his constant, stupid encouragement I wouldn't even be attempting to write a book! He's all, "You're so great, you need to do this." and "I think you shouldn't work too much, because it's much more important that you have the time to write." It is a fucking NIGHTMARE, I tell you what!

Also, he has this crazy idea that since I am unsuited for most work (Seriously, he's right. I've been known to throw a temper tantrum just upon hearing the words "team building exercise." It's kind of limited my career options.) he believes that writing, at home, alone, in my pajamas is basically the only way I will cheerfully embrace the work week. An interesting hypothesis, but let me ask you; DO I SOUND IN ANY WAY CHEERFUL, AT THIS MOMENT?

You know what would make me cheerful? Giving up the whole idea and dancing around the house to Matt and Kim while eating the entire hunk of leftover chocolate cake from the kitchen. Sounds like heaven, in fact. What is the plan here, anyways? Write the stupid thing and put it out there, where only one of two outcomes is possible;

1) people read it which would be horrible, as everyone could see the utter folly of my writing, or;

2) nobody reads it. Also horrible.

Then, just as I worked myself up to a fever pitch and was ready to hit "delete" and make a break for freedom, I cracked open my fortune cookie and, no lie, this is today's fortune;

"Your life will be prosperous if you use your creativity."


Back to the salt mines....

Monday, January 12, 2015

Sentimental Horsetwaddle.

With a decided danger of sounding like Garfield, the cartoon cat, Mondays, ugh. Am I right? Normally, I don't raise too much of a kick about them, as my workweek is a bit skewed and Monday, to me, is actually my second day off. Tuesdays, though....

Today, however, is rough. I am exhausted. Let me give you a little tip; if you happen to stumble upon a cache of home movies at 11:00 at night on a Sunday, do NOT, for the love of God, put one in the computer. Not even if they aren't labeled terribly clearly and you just want "a quick peek", you know, for organizational purposes. They will inevitably be of your children at a wee, heart-squeezing age and you will be compelled to watch them all until you are weeping into the hem of your bathrobe and bleating "Sunrise, sunset" into the darkness. You will toss in your bed, filled with a determination to clutch them to your maternal bosom at first light, showering them with kisses and assurances that they are the most precious, special lights on the whole planet, before falling into a fitful sleep....

....only to wake the next morning to their abrupt demands for a clean sweatshirt! A check for the field trip! and criticisms of the hot breakfast you have uncharacteristically provided. Before long you will dash to your bedroom, lean your back against the door and wonder aloud how long, exactly, until these monsters leave for school?!!

This is the most perplexing and exhausting mystery of my adult life. Nothing else requires as much energy as navigating this pull toward and away from the joy and demands of parenthood. The children on those videos? Oh, my heart! They are perfect. I sincerely hope heaven is just one, big squishy couch where we can flop, piggy pile style and watch Bear in the Big Blue House and The Muppet Show for all eternity. I can not imagine anything better. The longing for those past days makes me a tad weepy, I will not lie. So why, then, do I forget, seemingly every blessed moment, that these children, the ones RIGHT HERE, are the very same people? Still as precious. Still shining as bright. Still filled with all the potential and love that I remember beaming out of their faces when they were oh, so little?

Of course, I didn't know it then, either, did I? Or, I did, but I would forget, same as now. How many grocery store temper tantrums, sleepless nights, and defiant battle-of-wills did it take in any given day to inoculate me against their charms? What a dope I am. Boy, are we lucky to have each other, no matter how many clean sweatshirts I have to schlep down to the laundry room to get. In cases like this, I always think of a time a few years back. We were in Ethiopia, riding through the countryside and my oldest son turned to me and said;

"Mom. I'm doing it all wrong. We're just sitting here and I should be like this; AAAAAAAH! (flails arms overhead) AFRICA! AAAAAAAAH! (flails) AFRICA!!!!!"

No, kid. I'M doing it all wrong. Every damn day I should be "AAAAAH! My freaking fabulous, fortunate life!!!!!" But for whatever reason, we humans don't seem to be wired that way. Probably there is a good reason. If we allowed ourselves to be overcome with the tender fragility and miraculousness of our lives we probably couldn't get on much with our days. Undoubtedly bills would not get paid. Very possibly commerce would grind to a halt. There is a chance our hearts would flat-out explode. I guess the best we can hope for are these periodic moments of lucidness, when we are filled both with an overpowering love and a profound sense of loss, reminding us, just for a second, that amidst the toast crumbs and lost mittens and bank statements, something fairly wonderful is going on.


Monday, December 15, 2014

All Work and No Running Makes Lanie a Crabby Girl.

I have been having a terrible time running for the past month. For the first time ever, I am dealing with a real injury and it is not going well.

At first I thought I had an annoying and reoccurring cramp in my calf. I couldn't get past a mile without having to turn and limp home. Which didn't stop me from attempting to get on with the running, already! Every couple of days I'd head out, make it as far as the parkway and be forced to turn back, swearing mightily the whole time. This went on long enough to become embarrassing, as I proved myself to be more than a little slow on the uptake. When I'm feeling generous, I remind myself that I had no previous experience ever with a sports injury. I spent my entire young life attempting to get OUT of physical activity, thank you very much. And besides, I was employing my entire knowledge of rehabilitation, which was limited to the phrase I'd heard so often in the movies-- "Walk it off."

Oddly, this didn't seem to help at all.

"But I'm being so good," I argued, "so reasonable. So conscientious."

What I meant was that I had swapped my high impact running for stair climbing and lower body strength training and extensive stretching. Eventually, a friend who has a long history of athletics clued me in that I didn't have a cramp, I probably had a torn calf muscle.

Hey! Guess what is terrible for a torn calf muscle!  Stair climbing and lower body strength training and extensive stretching, of course.

The whole thing is making me so darn crabby. Hubby thinks I should just simmer down. To him this is just a natural and inevitable occurrence. Between you and me, if he tells me one more time that this is normal for "people our age" I am going to smack him with my running shoe.

"I am not bound by everybody else's poor genetics!" I holler back, aware as I say it that it sounds ludicrously naive, but aware too, that on a deep level I believe it. I still feel largely invincible, as if I am going to sail through the second half of my life with exactly the same vigor and enthusiasm and glowing good health as the first. There is a chance that, with this attitude, the next several decades are going to be a string of disappointments, but for now I refuse to accept it.

And its all starting with this stupid calf muscle. Grrrr. Apparently I can use the elliptical and the rowing machine. Which is just ducky. For fun, guess the two machines at the gym that I pretty much hate. Yup. The elliptical and the rowing machine. I also hate upper body weight training which I am, of course, free to do.

Underscoring the whole experience is the fact that Kirk and I are supposed to run a 10k on New Year's Day. The way it looks now, I won't be running much at all until then. I can only imagine that it's going to go brilliantly, but someone better alert those Alpine rescue St. Bernards, just in case. You know, the ones with those wooden kegs of brandy around their necks?  Tell them to make mine a double. I'm going to need it.